si buhay ko: komplikado

masaya ako sa tabi mo. lahat ng pagod at puyat wala sa piling mo. 
ngiti at halakhak mo, korni man sa pandinig minsan, musika naman sa puso at damdamin ko.
tanging hiling ko lang. na di ka magbago. ganito. simple. masaya. 

alam ko hirap ka. sa sitwasyon nating dalawa. ako man din walang magawa.
gusto kong ibuhos buong pagkatao ko. lahat ng pagmamahal na kaya ko, iaalay ko.
para sa'yo at sa magiging tayo. 


nabuhos man ng DIYOS lahat ng kamalasan sa relasyon na ito.
igagawa ko ng paraan, gamit ang gusto NIYA at sa paraan NIYA.
simple lang naman talaga ang nais ko. ikaw at ako. magkasama.
nagmamahalan ng walang halong lokohan at disgrasya.


komplikado pero masaya.
sa ganun yata talaga. di naman sa tayo ay nakiuso.
magulo na nakakatuwa.
ni wala nga sa hinagap ko. pangarapin pa kaya? 


mali. alam ko. at alam mo. gusto ko mang itama. nang dahil sa gusto mo. maturuan pa kayang makalimut ang pusong di naman talaga dapat na nagmahal ng todo? ilalaban ko  kung ano meron tayo. sana mapanindigan mo din ang salitang binitiwan mo.


mahal mo ako gaya ng nabibigay mo sa asawa mo.

city hall

parang bula
ganun ganun nalang
parang kabute
uusbong nalang bigla


funny how that qoute can excruciate what happened. if there is a whirlwind romance, I think this will be categorized as whirlwind fuck. it came and went by and then faded just like that. cold hard fact, the heat died down and the randy perished. as there were no feelings involved in the first place, the pragmatic thing to do is to let go.


feelings hurt, ego bruised and relationship marred, well what do you expect? matters of the heart are not to be trampled, played and manipulated. 


the issue now is what to do next? you can't drink a spilled milk no more, you can't even see a clear picture on a broken mirror. cliche to say "MOVE ON" or "FORGIVE and FORGET". duh! this is not a fairytale that all is well when it ends well. a crap and a bull! 


would I get even? good half of me says, "your choice to forgive and not to forget" but the bitch side of me wants to gang up and be drenched in blood! how morbid and apodictic right? 


sadly all good things comes to an end, the bus was just early on my part. should i be bitter? yell all hell and fuck up? i can do that definitely but i chose not to. i remember my friend again, a pessimistic beyotch "you are where you came from". me, the opposing optimist, battled "that's what you think! i guess not all and some are left still", boy did I eat my words in MEDIUM RARE. 


HONEST and TRUE- building blocks of a lasting and sanguine relationship, the only main form of how you should live your life too. i am no pharisaic but i will show you who i am-no pretentions, nothing ostentatious and grandiloquent, either deal with it or bear with it.  that's me!


wala nang matino
wala nang mas titino pa
lahat na lokohan
lahat na gaguhan

denied

bakit ako hirap na hirap?
na di naman dapat.
all I ever wanted was to be happy.
but why did this fell on my lap?


alam ko lahat dadating sa tamang panahon.
ibibigay niya ayon sa nararapat
yet things came by a breeze.
and was swept as well in a matter of seconds.


ang hirap tanggapin na lahat ng ibinigay mo
parang bula na lang na maglalaho
and what you have is still not worth
plus the denial makes everything worst


ayoko na, tama na!
ayoko na, itigil na!
I can't take it and bear it
I am already torn, miserable and hurting.


ano kaya ang mangyayari sa akin?
magiging ganito na lang ba lagi?
Everytime this and everytime the same?
Am I not gonna ever learn?

i love you's

It came as a shock.
Jaw dropping, eyes circling and not-uttering-a-word shock!
I never thought it would come from him at all.
Came to thoughts already about the situation I harbored.
Complicated, vainglorious and vindictive!
Falling in love was never really an option this time. It was a decision.


I kept my thoughts and feelings to myself.
It wasn't being non-chalant nor not caring at all.
I was just being careful, for me, for him and for everybody involved.
This wasn't a part of my plan.
I am happy as I am. Alone in a sense but not lonely.
You will seldom see me cry.


Then came one night. On a dream. He came to view infront of me.
I woke up crying. Was it a signus? No idea! But for me it wasn't a good sign. That marks a phase.
The falling in love. Point of no return. The make or break.
I don't know what to do anymore. Half of me wants to stop and let all go and half screams it's your one shot to love so hang on tight. Enjoy the joyride.


Would it be all worth it?
Is this happiness genuine at all?
What would entail after all this?
Who, When, How, What if?


If I try to answer them all, knocking Einstein would be my next puzzle piece.
Funny how I got tangled in this mesh.
I only asked God for a LOVE worth dying for. And he did. Next time I will always remember to be careful in wishing, because I always get it.

may mga ganung tao pala talaga?

People can be so tricky. Some will do anything and everything to get on TOP even if it tramples someone  else's individuality.

Take an instance an acquaintance-okay fine, a lover, a friend and now a soon-to-be foe. He came as a breeze, gallant and like a knight in shining armor not to mention cute and all but not mysterious. He was so seemingly appropriate, not the bullying kind so it was just so hard for me to digest that he can do these things: FABRICATION and MANIPULATION. Truth is truth anyway you constrict it, that will still come out clean and elusive. They always say you can run but you can never hide. Veridical right?

Excuse my French but this just fucking outrageous. I am not that familiar and well versed with different typefaces of humanity. Been with a lot of GOOD people honest, deserving, fabulous, the rich and the famous as well as beautiful wad but with the rotten kind? That I have yet to encounter. Never have I been repulsive to an entity before but now I know how it feels to be juxtaposed to him.

My, my, my. How hard and frustrating it is to be played and be stringed along. I feel like a Marionette. Disgusted and upchucked with how things happened. It becomes so revolting all because he made me fall in love first with his charisma and effervescent personality then striking me back with a dagger right through my heart. Bitter? YES! I want to get even but I guess i'll leave it to the karmic energy of the universe to deal with him. 


What makes it so sad and mordant is, five different people are festooned along and three of which are bewitched with his charms, including me of course. The rapture was definitely remarkable yet hoaxing to the point of threading a lie over another on top of more fibs and prevarications is definitely repugnant. 


Aaargh! I want to strangle him and I can't! A part of me still wants to deny all that and contest his unalloyed discernment.


Thank GOD for friends who are always to the rescue. Saving both my ass and heart to more untoward dillema.

Harsh! Very harsh!

Should I stay in LOVE and get hurt in the process? Or should I just let everything fall into place? 


I can still retract all investment, you know? I haven't delved into the depths yet. Am still scurrying and paddling my way into LOVE. Not that it's a task to overcome it's just that you know to yourself by the projectile and intuition, you can already see the end of the rainbow which has a false pretense of a gold pot!


A disaster-in-the-making? Yes! Definitely! We are dealing with a CON artist who knows how to play his cards right. The type of person Red Riding Hood's grandmother warned her about. Thrilling? Yes! Of course! The mystery of getting caught is there, mischievous really but who cares, that's the fantasy other crave and loathe at the same time!


All is fair in LOVE and WAR! Do you agree?


Harsh! Very!


What shall I do? I am bind, restless and I guess, tired. Initially a complication from the very start. The storyline? Boy1 is happily  enamored to Boy2, Boy3 gets so innnocent-looking and then earthy getting Boy1's attention and steam. So without a doubt, it ended as a triad and the complexity as well as the  byzantine of the situation is so diverse, you don't even know what to do, or me for that matter, don't know what to expect anymore. There was no intent on my end to intricate the situation, much more eradicate a perfectly harmonious bond. 


And the inevitable happened.


So what am I to ponder now? I want to be happy but not this way. 


Harsh! Very harsh!

mabilis akong kausap

boy1: Bakit mo ako nagustuhan? Hmmm?
boy2: Kasi nga nasa'yo na lahat! I mean you're mapagmahal, caring, sweet and thoughtful. Perfect boyfriend kumbaga. Wala ka nang hahanapin, total package ganun!


boy1: Di nga? Alam mo bang pangalawa ka na na nagsabi niyan...
boy2: Sino yung isa? Kilala ko ba siya?


boy1: Basta!
boy2: Okay. Mabilis naman akong kausap eh!


boy2: Eh ikaw. Sabi mo gusto mo din ako di ba?
boy1: Oo naman. Bakit?


boy2: Bakit mo ko nagustuhan?
boy1: Ah, um, ahhhhhh! Teka.


boy2: Mag-isip daw ba? Hahahaha.
boy1: Teka muna naman di ba.


boy2: Okay lang noh. Sabi ko nga di ba mabilis akong kausap!
(Sabi ko na nga ba kal*b*gan lang talaga toh eh! Here I go again. Demmit!)