yun yata ang problema sa akin!

i demand
i require

yun yata ang problema sa akin!

di ba dapat masaya na ako?
na magkasama tayo lagi-
yung may casual conversation-
yung may biruan-
konting flirt dito, a bit of manyak doon-
di ba dapat masaya na ako?

di ba dapat masaya na ako?
na magkatext tayo every once in a while-
kumustahan minsan-
mga forwarded messages-
kulitan sa GM-
yung simpleng constant communication-
di ba dapat masaya na ako?

di ba dapat masaya na ako?
pero hindi eh-
may kulang-
parang puwang na di mafill-up kahit anong gawin-
matabang-
parang dull moment lagi or dead air-

di ba dapat masaya na ako?
hindi talaga eh

happiness

a cliche? a word of mouth or an overrated remark?

hard to tell.
I am bitter, wallowing and in a sour mood to eat what that word means.
hoax if you ask me right now.
just a state of mind, that's it!
nothing more, nothing less.

things are not quite like before.
air a bit heavy, smiles are just on the face not reaching the heart and mind.
burdened? yes!
bothered? yes!
insecured? yes!
I guess all of the questions are answerable by yes these days!
categorically? yes!

digital!
they say everything already is!
camera prints, mails, internet connections even nails.
add karma and a pinch of hocus-pocus, viola! Voodoo!
instant!
digital!
that and everything else is all I want. karma!
I want it now. I want it good!

when can I reach the zenith?
finality!
relationship one after the other!
fling over another fling!
one-night-stand after another!
nada!
futile!
not even a nanosecond helped!
hopeless!

now I grieve.
now I cry.

hoping tomorrow brings another dew!
to fill my cup with an overflow!

I can blog about it

It has been a while, a very long while if I may add that I have poured out my soul and thought in words!
Blame it on Twitter- who micro-sects my thoughts, voicing shoutouts to the world to hear and see not noticing the importance of stressing a paragraph. The purest form of expression.

Well am back for good. It was quite a hiatus to what am accustomed to. Quite a while as well since the heartbreak and destruction was self inflicted, waking up from the ashes was just unbearable and very heavy. Yet all good things come to end- true on my part. It ended. Bad. Real bad.

We met way back June 2011. I was a mentor and Pat was my mentee.
He was a seeker- for attention, for priority and even validation as what I have assesed. Hungry even for
commendation and praise.

It all started with Facebook- I added him, him adding back.
Email was the culprit- the exchange of thoughts and whereabouts were boundless and very open. Then there were greetings that became conversation and eventually became a habit. The greets became daily and then transformed into hourly jokes and got developed into sweet-nothings and blahs.

Our common ground was BEER and ALCOHOL.

We shared the same love for drinking. We became beer-friends. After work. Before work. And even in between work. I was the mentor and Pat was my mentee.

Funny how it all synched and sinked. The partnership was mutual I guess- he was for my fund and me for his camp.

The laughter, the thrill and the company was exhilarating and exciting. His visage was like Helen- it launched a thousand ships and in my case raised a thousand brows! He was swell with it. He said, as long as we both know the real score, to hell with hale! I said, okay! And that was over a bucket of beer!

He had a friend- a very dear and close friend. That promised him the world and the universe(read: forever
friendship). That did not happen. Secret feelings does not really work well with forever-friend-setup-thingy!

Been there! Done that! Passe as it is on my thesaurus.

Me and my big mouth: "I would never do such a thing. I will be your friend till the very end." And that was over a bucket of beer!

As the friendship became strong, so as the feelings. Stronger. The confession came. Rejection followed. I persisted. He conceded.

The ride was a rollercoaster. There were ups and mostly downs. There were concealed loops and overtured jumps. Certain halts here and there. Unfortunately collision was enivitable on mine.

Time and space collided. Days turned into nights. Six months have passed. Bucketful of beers and bucketful of tears. Now am trying to mend a broken heart and fix a broken sonnet. Though I did not get my happy ending but still I can blog about it!

my awakening.....

being USED.....

by TWO people at the same time....

is that all am good at?

being used and be taken for granted.....

defying twitter urge.....

9-21

good thing my agents are keeping me busy whole 9 hours long- I don't have to think!

what would be a good action to say am sorry- a friend told saying sorry is so overrated and conventional, they always go to waste!

after this shift- imma think again! what to do?

it's eating me.... I wanna say my apologies but today is "legal wife's" day. Do I still have his friendship when he comes back?

I have regrets what I did last Sunday- the party ended because of me! The crowd and the fun died down because of my prerogatives-gone-bad!

I am a certified bitch and a drama-Queen

I am still holding back onto my Twitter urges.... I want to post but I need to suppress!

defying twitter urge.....

here is my 2-cents.....
9-20

2nd day for my Jacksonville- I remember when it was with my Diamond! Wagas ang HELP!

BINGE mode!

defying twitter urge.....

here is my 2-cents.....
9-19




I got played on my own game.


so utang na loob ko pa ang maging friend mo-


I already settled myself as a beer-friend.... thinking honesty would be our policy! You lied!


sana di na kita makita- I know di sadya ang omission of details but it should have been the case. Kasalanan ko din yata I did not ask.


pangalawang beses na kitang dinelete sa buhay ko- sana last na toh!


I am not okay! I want to ask questions but just can't!


BEER-friends!