happiness

a cliche? a word of mouth or an overrated remark?

hard to tell.
I am bitter, wallowing and in a sour mood to eat what that word means.
hoax if you ask me right now.
just a state of mind, that's it!
nothing more, nothing less.

things are not quite like before.
air a bit heavy, smiles are just on the face not reaching the heart and mind.
burdened? yes!
bothered? yes!
insecured? yes!
I guess all of the questions are answerable by yes these days!
categorically? yes!

digital!
they say everything already is!
camera prints, mails, internet connections even nails.
add karma and a pinch of hocus-pocus, viola! Voodoo!
instant!
digital!
that and everything else is all I want. karma!
I want it now. I want it good!

when can I reach the zenith?
finality!
relationship one after the other!
fling over another fling!
one-night-stand after another!
nada!
futile!
not even a nanosecond helped!
hopeless!

now I grieve.
now I cry.

hoping tomorrow brings another dew!
to fill my cup with an overflow!

karma

I am single. 

Hard, cold fact. I know it ain't easy nor that hard to contemplate. Enigma as others say but others get it as a repellent. Is there such a thing? Relationship-repellent? I am bugged, confused and mandated. Insects has pestecides but do humans have as well? Beats me!

Couples say you are a threat, other singles says it's a blessing but mean girls says karma with a capital K.

I guess who wouldn't.

Take the certain case of a couple, they are blessed, yes. But don't think they are stable, oh no, no, no. Don't dare say that. Stability on one's relationship is always temperamental, it has its up's and down's, tricks and lo's straight or gay alike. No such pretensions, either they are making it or breaking it. Sucks big time really but that's reality.

Blessing yes, you get to do stuff on your own, no hang-ups to falter to, no restrictions to think of, no headaches and heartaches to ponder of the things you want to do. In short, no repercussions to answer to. Damn right you are, single as it is! 

Happy.

Period.

Karma? This is what am pointing at. Do you believe what comes around goes around? Right now, I am yes. I have been that bitch you can think of, having two main course over dinner, neglecting every plea a partner requests for, criticizing every move your behalf makes, name it, been there done that. As far as I can tally, the last verbiage that I uttered to a dearest was “ You are such a tiring company to be with” which relatively happened on a dinner date, enjoying a sumptous and expensive meal in a 5-star hotel. Asshole right? Well that's me. Bitchier than ever. Meaner than the last and egotistical in nature in the least.

But am I getting my meds rights now?

Is it payback time? Has my time came to be judged upon? Maybe it has. Maybe it will. Or not even. I don't really know. Should I be ready for that? Or let things pass by as they would? Well, tricky as I am in a situation I am into, guess perhaps?

Damn these bad vibes are! 


Shoo! Shoo! Get the heck away from me. Don't want you near, don't want you never. As in ever.

Blame it on the weatherman / September 12, 2009

I am thick faced 

I am thick skinned 

I am gay

but

I am NOT a thief and a liar

and

I have a pink blood

but

I am not a mudblood

That’s what they’re blaming me for.
Without even a substantial proof. They just pointed at whoever they like and whatever they think. Just like that!

Funny how life goes, right? You making your own small little way and at the end of the day you would still be the one to blame? Absurd as it is, well a low-life is still a low-life eventhough how much jewels and Ninoys you have. Lucky am not, breeding and all that. I have class and sass, I point and shoot just like a digital camera with ease and finesse. Like what I’ve said, you could have all the cash in the world but you can’t buy class in so many words.

I’ve had my bad moments in the past, and am truly ashamed for some of it. Well, younger years are full of risk-free or worry-free moments, defying all rules and edict just to follow your hearts desires. But maturing and coming of age is part of growing up. It is not advisable to stick to those years, retardation might be on your veins if you do that! You don’t get to stay on a 12 year old brain if you’re already 26 years of age.

True to my words, I work hard for the money I spend. Am living with my mantra, I will work hard and party even harder. That’s me care-free but not a troubled thief. I know somebody who is, but am keeping my mouth shut! I’m a believer of karma, it goes around and definitely comes around. That I can attest. I’ll just wait for karma to reciprocate for me. They can run but never really get to hide. It catches up everytime.

Few last words: BAKLA man akong naturingan, OO , makapal mukha ko pero hindi matigas and maitim ang budhi ko…..

not like the ones I particularly know…….

Consequentiallly for you!

Change is the only permanent in this world. Flaringly yes, but are we able to change destiny as it is written? Heck of a confusion huh?

Karma, the one related to change, I mean, let’s get to it, a law in physics class heads us up: in every action, there is an equal and relatively positive and negative reaction. Layman’s diction? Consequences! But I always think about it as karma, either positive or negative still is a part of the consequence that equates what you have done, though past and present that would still affect and whack you in a bang!

Take an example, me, yeah me, none other else! I bummed myself hoping to construct a diversity of what I have, yet I was very wrong to have let gone of a gem so precious, now so intricate, there is no other stock left. Precarious judgment was one of the highlights. Awfully true, but my senses were clouded of what seems to be the most elusive decision I have done on my entire life. Elusive? Definitely! A scorching career that provided everything great and one of a kind. Please don’t mind my junk sentimentality but that’s the truth behind it all.

I hope all will come to its terms and finally would end my desperation in which is, and radically is destroying me. Tempting though to end my life, yep! I did have an unraveling thought of it. Am a complete disaster, as presumably judged with all of my writings on the wall. I want to be free but who doesn’t right? all of us woes of being able to set our self boundless by everything. I guess as rough as it gets the tough should too be going. But how? Condescendingly its always there to perturb my very existence.

Well, its maybe a teaching for me, not to take very lightly the consideration of a fact to value work as a basic necessity to human existence and formation. Contemplating over the sad situation am stuck into. Right now I don’t have a damn choice, do I? Very late to think of the repercussions, why now? Am beginning to doubt it’s human nature. You can’t value a thing if you have it, at the time you loose it, it ravels you the significance.