RESTRICTED

At what point do you consider RESTRICTED in a certain relationship?


Is it the point where you can't make your own decision already or at the point where you stop growing as an individual? Does a petty "where you at" or a simple "have you eaten" maybe a nudging "who are you with" can that be considered as restrictions? For me it ain't!


BUT WHY?


I am in a relationship right now. Confused and bugged. I don't want to make mistakes. Don't encourage me with "have room for errors". I have suffered enough for this relationship to work. I want to make things smooth and perfect. Trial and error method is not feasible this moment in time.


BUT HOW?


I want to scream and shout. Time and again that all my past relationship are a blunder and failures. I want to make this relationship work and grow and prosper yet right now I am not sure if my methods are correct and superb and will make a fine tune for this partnership to spoke off. Is there something that I need to know?


BUT WHAT?


I am no perfectionist but I am a certified obsessive-compulsive bitch. Sorry and please excuse my French, not a saint here. I want to lessen, minimize and even eradicate all loopholes. Safe-protect that's my word not baby-proof my relationship but I don't know how and where to start. I am helpless. I am in turmoil and I know its impossible. Still I can try right. No harm over it. Or I 
could die trying.


Is there a book or a self-help for PERFECTING a RELATIONSHIP?

spinning round and round

I haven't been able to blog for months now. HIATUS again! 

I really can't tell if it has something to do with me loosening up a notch with my best buddies or the lifestyle change or the mere reason that being online and updated thru the web takes most of my time out.

I have been lazy as well at home, laundry on top of each other. Building a mound week per week. What has come to my senses, I let slip of my disorder months ago, hoping there would be a change in me, and it did change me, for the worse. I can't force myself anymore. I like myself now but it scares me a bit. It has grown wild and stopping means turmoil.

How I wanna go back of the old days where I get home, get things in order, sleep, wake up and set things in order again and then go to work, set things in order then go home to set things in order again. 

I miss that! 

Now what ever rocks my boat, spins here there and everywhere. Should I be angry to myself for the grit that I have grown into? Should I let the spinster snooze and awaken the timid me? How silly of me to think things will settle on their own. To each of his own settlement and be where they are before. Alas! They have never changed!

Am I driving my life to extinction?  

It takes one to know one / July 9, 2009

Queer Life?


If you ask me it takes time, from the stages you’ll rummage yourself into, the labeling you will endure and the aggression and self destruction together with discovery would be rolled into one. Life should be savored and lived to the fullest that’s what I’ve heard and really should be embodied by everyone so was a line mentioned in a famous movie, things never happen the same way twice. So why waste and haste, go live and love and exhaust all your while. Styles fade so as beauty.
Experience really counts, some you’ll get to enjoy and some, well let’s just say, puts you into perspective. Bad, good, placid and sometimes redundant but all in all, it dents your soul in a very definitive way just like a thumbprint. Living easy is one of the assumptions of being gay, not that true if you’ll ask me, yes there are times we live up to our name and label but sometimes hollow existence trails its way. We are a happy bundle yet in most ways than one can truly appreciate, we feel what you feel and gets hurt when credited for.

The Life, personal you’ll ask? Nope, it’s not!

Personally, am one of those “planner” type of people, you can’t begot and blame me for being OC, a disorder, yes it truly is, but am thankful for that trait, I may not have the life that I wanted but I do have the life one can look forward to having and living on it. It may sound convulsive but I am what I am. Hardly, the person before me loved the way I lived my life, I was on the notion that happy people have these and that but I came to think, it really not is, you may have the things that you want but truth is you may also not get the needed stuff. Lonely, huh? True!

One day, I came across of an old, old quote. “Cross the bridge when you get there”. I never really put my mind into it as it was plain, old and boring. Yet when you read between the lines, it will make you ponder and seize what really matters. Dorky and, yeah go on, mock me, but am amazed how this simplicity defined me right now. As I mentioned am a planner-kind-of-a-nutcase so all my actions are enumerated, calculated and well executed. Whatever happens, a backup is always handy. Well partly, goes haywire but nonetheless imperfections are not an option. Then a friend told me, things happen for a reason, it may not be the target but being spontaneous and congenial makes a person who he is. Thinking from one’s feet is one of the things that I never get to enhance. Given a chance to go back in time, it’s one of the few that I will work on.

Love Life

Could we drop this and move on? As it is one of the very sensitive topics and needs further elaboration. Rules don’t apply on this situation. Love combusts every hour, every minute and every second. Hostile waters! This is the part of life where thinking and feeling meets the crossroads every once in a while. Some say love should be just felt and never taken into the head but some defies it. At first I really thought of it as the easiest part of life, you dreamt and hoped for a person that would sweep you from your feet but alas! It’s just a bedtime story after all. I have written a few sediments on this eloquent topic, when love was there and embraced me on its cradle. Downfall of it? When both parties consumed the paragon of the feelings, not that am against the nature of the spark but once the concoction goes bland, no other remorse but to dissolve the binge. It will never go deeper even if you work on the paddles manually.
I told you this is one of the most convoluting cycles of my life. I am bitter. Why? It leaves you with no choice. Am so tired of all the bruises that clusters you after a break up. In the midst, I was oh so hoping that it would be a different set of tribulations by the next phase, yet it repeats itself. Maybe I don’t have a kismet on LOVE, thankfully speaking; God gave me intricacies that I am proud of, ahem! Very proud of but that doesn’t compensate the looser in me when the love game starts. Should I bid farewell to what seems the greatest obstacle of my life? Or should I strive and fight for more, getting more anguish and frustrations along the way. I am already blistered. Can I take more? A mentor once exclaimed, Pain is temporary, Quitting is forever! True, in every sense of the word and I believed on it. For as long as you endure the hardships, the more stronger and wiser you become. In the totality of life, yes but in a most resounding way that love has taken its toll on me. I just want to let go of the chain, as there is no hope in me already.

I’m very tired, really tired in every sense of the word.