breakaway

The stupor is already wearing off.
Exhaustion is lurking though my veins.
It’s affecting my entirety.
I’m restless and ecstatic without adieu

I want to break free but something is keeping me.
As every passing day goes
I’m washed away, farther away.
Taming the waves is not going to endure the whirl.

I am whole
Yet the gap and the blow makes it difficult to summon tranquility
My state of mind falters and capturing the balance is impossible
What’s happening, I ask but the thought just bursts into thin air.

Limbo as it is, 
never thought that it would be like this.
Choked and breathless.
Can’t summon a grasp piercing thru myself,
Gasping for air.

Struggling to find myself.
All effort exhumed but I’m getting nowhere.
Tired but the need to go on still consumes me.
How?

My mind is in circles,
In quest of answers, trying to fathom, reaching but unable to clutch.
Exuberantly judged and detrimented.
I have taken suggestions yet the blunder and the mischief is still at bay.

I am already screaming but all I hear is a screech.
Trying to wheel in what squandered my being.
being drowned with my own words, squelching…..

Aaaagghhhhhh!

And then I woke up. Whew! What a dream!

It takes one to know one / July 9, 2009

Queer Life?


If you ask me it takes time, from the stages you’ll rummage yourself into, the labeling you will endure and the aggression and self destruction together with discovery would be rolled into one. Life should be savored and lived to the fullest that’s what I’ve heard and really should be embodied by everyone so was a line mentioned in a famous movie, things never happen the same way twice. So why waste and haste, go live and love and exhaust all your while. Styles fade so as beauty.
Experience really counts, some you’ll get to enjoy and some, well let’s just say, puts you into perspective. Bad, good, placid and sometimes redundant but all in all, it dents your soul in a very definitive way just like a thumbprint. Living easy is one of the assumptions of being gay, not that true if you’ll ask me, yes there are times we live up to our name and label but sometimes hollow existence trails its way. We are a happy bundle yet in most ways than one can truly appreciate, we feel what you feel and gets hurt when credited for.

The Life, personal you’ll ask? Nope, it’s not!

Personally, am one of those “planner” type of people, you can’t begot and blame me for being OC, a disorder, yes it truly is, but am thankful for that trait, I may not have the life that I wanted but I do have the life one can look forward to having and living on it. It may sound convulsive but I am what I am. Hardly, the person before me loved the way I lived my life, I was on the notion that happy people have these and that but I came to think, it really not is, you may have the things that you want but truth is you may also not get the needed stuff. Lonely, huh? True!

One day, I came across of an old, old quote. “Cross the bridge when you get there”. I never really put my mind into it as it was plain, old and boring. Yet when you read between the lines, it will make you ponder and seize what really matters. Dorky and, yeah go on, mock me, but am amazed how this simplicity defined me right now. As I mentioned am a planner-kind-of-a-nutcase so all my actions are enumerated, calculated and well executed. Whatever happens, a backup is always handy. Well partly, goes haywire but nonetheless imperfections are not an option. Then a friend told me, things happen for a reason, it may not be the target but being spontaneous and congenial makes a person who he is. Thinking from one’s feet is one of the things that I never get to enhance. Given a chance to go back in time, it’s one of the few that I will work on.

Love Life

Could we drop this and move on? As it is one of the very sensitive topics and needs further elaboration. Rules don’t apply on this situation. Love combusts every hour, every minute and every second. Hostile waters! This is the part of life where thinking and feeling meets the crossroads every once in a while. Some say love should be just felt and never taken into the head but some defies it. At first I really thought of it as the easiest part of life, you dreamt and hoped for a person that would sweep you from your feet but alas! It’s just a bedtime story after all. I have written a few sediments on this eloquent topic, when love was there and embraced me on its cradle. Downfall of it? When both parties consumed the paragon of the feelings, not that am against the nature of the spark but once the concoction goes bland, no other remorse but to dissolve the binge. It will never go deeper even if you work on the paddles manually.
I told you this is one of the most convoluting cycles of my life. I am bitter. Why? It leaves you with no choice. Am so tired of all the bruises that clusters you after a break up. In the midst, I was oh so hoping that it would be a different set of tribulations by the next phase, yet it repeats itself. Maybe I don’t have a kismet on LOVE, thankfully speaking; God gave me intricacies that I am proud of, ahem! Very proud of but that doesn’t compensate the looser in me when the love game starts. Should I bid farewell to what seems the greatest obstacle of my life? Or should I strive and fight for more, getting more anguish and frustrations along the way. I am already blistered. Can I take more? A mentor once exclaimed, Pain is temporary, Quitting is forever! True, in every sense of the word and I believed on it. For as long as you endure the hardships, the more stronger and wiser you become. In the totality of life, yes but in a most resounding way that love has taken its toll on me. I just want to let go of the chain, as there is no hope in me already.

I’m very tired, really tired in every sense of the word.

Am too tired of ……

Tired of thinking what will become of me, been so desolate for as long as I can remember, all I’ve had are only poignant thoughts, only reminiscing can recollect. Am I expecting too much? Or plainly my way is out of my league? Not sure though, wishing there could be change, hah! I can’t just lie still without doing anything, I’m doomed for vagrancy and I don’t feel like having to savor the loneliness again.

Some people think, joviality is becoming of me, yeah right, true in way! Coz what will be of Mira’s existence if am just going to go ahead and get lost in translation. 1 + 1, would relatively equate with stupidity, boredom and self-deprivation on the term “happy” in which, seldom triggers a point of focal where strength versus mind and emotion battles up, gearing toward what is better of a person or what would deal accordingly to a situation such as this. Being alone, selfish and righteous hasn’t brought much joy and luck when it fields out to love and relationships, maybe to some yes, but ask me and my experience, hasn’t changed much of it! Career-wise? Yeah am on it, bragging pots of gold and recognition but I don’t think it suffices it all, work gives you pleasure in certain ways, measurable as it is. But falling in love does immense a totality of you being a person you are living life as it unfolds. Yet there are ME’s entrapped to a spot irrevocable by truth and knowledge with a fact, however fighting for glory brewed in it’s finest!

How sweet it is thinking of what will become of someone or something but in reality sometimes slips through unimaginably coarse path. Is there a knock that would tell me, hey! This is it, the time, the person and the consequence, be appropriate and display a great deal of appearance. Is there? Or it stumble you unexpectedly? I really don’t know and am really not sure of what to anticipate, I want to do something, exert unto anything and devour love and time for someone but it also wrings me of questions, even I can’t expatiate!

Funny thing though, I have a remarkable knuckle with questions but not with retorts! I guess its how life unfurls at your very own eyes but still not notice such graceful indulgence! Am tired, really tired, hmmmmmm……?

why, oh! why?

Here I go again slurred and so detested, does it always have to pattern? Previously I have pacified a thought that it never would happen as Carrie Bradshaw experienced on a relationship she’s been with Big, Do you really have to fall into some iconic resolution of what should be guided on a person to love with? Pretty lame if you’ll tell me BUT my guess caught up to me and now I have realized it does pattern and definitely after three consecutive feeling-blurt, there really is a pattern. 

Plenty of thoughts are rummaging me down, don’t really know where to start, first am bugged if and only if there should be a pattern in which there is, could we fight it over? I mean get over it? The idealization tends you to iconize a person and reflect it with the one you’re supposed to like in the present and accordingly the one in the future too. Yet past-rewinding all that has happened am I the one to be blamed for? Or the person that comes after the first one is the fugitive? Intuitively is that built on your psyche to typecast?

Am all bugged and really don’t know how to apprehend the comprehension of what really life is offering me, am I to accept the fact that there is no future for me when tune goes to the matters of the heart, fact: I have a career-based stability, am all geared to face all consequences that comes my way and bring me anywhere definitely I’ll strike everywhere yet why a simple/single theme such as falling in love and grabbing a relationship am all tied and winded up and as always a failure. Should I just give up looking for one? Coz it’s like hurting yourself one way or the other, others say at least you have tried and experienced what it’s like than to never have felt it at all, sure true thing but coming out tarnished, hurt and blemished after that relationship, not mention the petty fights and arguments along the way, resoluble, yes! But still marks a denture to oneself, if I may ask isn’t it a torture?