i dunno

will I let myself be happy?
OPEN and HAPPY?


or it would be much better to be resctricted?
SET and RESTRICTED?


OPEN or FIXED?
HAPPY or SET?


I know in the end I will get truly hurt.
At the expense of being happy, is it okay to let go and be in the current situation?


is this gonna be an INEVITABLE HEARTBREAK?

Keeping love real / February 28, 2010

Love is what is left when the passion has gone. Then comes commitment.


Powerful tug on my part. Never thought it would be like this hard. Falling in love has never been my forte, I’ve been there, hurt, messed-up and done that. It shook my whole sense and groping things back to normal ain’t that easy, honey!


Networking sites promoting friendship and mate plus sex has been the modality, not that am against it since it has been the diatonic scale of meeting people and having fun is one of the agenda and name of the game itself, newbie as I am never thought it would be this hard / easy / preemptive, confusing huh? Be in my shoe for a difference!

Yes, I am in favor of the norm but the way it is handled is not quite what I have in mind and appeals to me the least. But how does one keep love real? Got to test it a couple of times already and most of it ends up having sex, not that I am bad on it and I can guarantee money back but does creating relationships just a cliche, overrated and understated? Is the basis of a good relationship nowadays is how good you are in bed? Moaning? I am a hopeless romantic type so I don’t buy the idea of sex as the foundation of a lasting relationship.


Being queer gives you the edge of living the alternative lifestyle that they claim to be so fabulous and lavish yet it is not, as it condones and molests the mere idea of love into a spastic one-night affair.


So here’s the fact: if you decide to meet up with the person, you have two choices; to like and and dislike. If you detest the persons profile and assets, you get to lick and ditch plus move to the next palate. The other case, liking the behalf, you get to lick and keep. Fair? Am guessing not! What has the world gone into? Dick tasting fora?

I know am being judgmental here but can we still keep love real or they just happen on reel life? Or shall we conclude lust empowers the passion and emotions that we should conjure and savor.


My, my, my.

High Fashion. High Maintenance.

How in the world do I attract such magnitude?

I am but a simpleton. I don’t have any figures to boast but I end up with these beautiful creatures. In every sense of it, is what I mean.

Take Guy#1 a European jetsetter, traveling around the world as well as the local scenery and just “spinning it”; I guess he’s what you call a royalty with a twist. Met him at a bar on a Friday night, shared a dinner or two, had some crazy, clean and fun nights! Awesome! I couldn’t ask for more and up till now we ring and wire messages, sweet nothings and all as he wants to slow things down as he is battling his own “demon”. Funny for me but I respect where he is coming from. Settled? Oh yeah, as I’ve said I couldn’t ask for more.

Here comes Guy#2 a celebrity, primadonna and stylista. My kind of concerto that is. I like him and that’s all that ever matters “but” he’s born with a silver spoon, yep! You read it right, out of my league if you’ll ask me yet as I was enchanted with his charms, he was so down to earth in an ethereal kind of way and he was simple in an imperial subtle way. He may not have a Midas’s touch but in all the time I’ve been talking to him it spelled grandeur and magnificence. I am no Princess Di if that’s the realization am about to ponder. Would it just be a fiction like the Lady and the Tramp in the light of Love? I think I am falling in love and that’s all that matters.

Too early to tell on what will happen next. I don’t want to hope as I have walked on that same hadj before and was badly hurt and beaten.

To hope or not to. Would I have a “happily ever after”?

HALO - reminded me of falling in love, over and over again.

Going through the ways of it: the falling, the cuddling and the succor, then the break up, and the wallows and finally the awakening and finally the move on. Made us initiate a wall, imaginary as it is yet strong enough to thunder us by virtue. Funny thus far true, when we plunge back and plummet to love, no fight necessary, we just let our guard down, no hush, no blush and in a snap, it’s there, you’re just feeling it and you’re afloat on a pulchritude slate.

Reality check, ding ding! too good to be factual right? Am not being cynical or what, am just grabbing the facade of such. Do you think it’s facile? I doubt that! One, it needs work, both sides should, if not, sad to contend but it falters every step of the way, second, it needs commitment, because after all the love, consumed, pacified and fostered all is left is devotion and allegiance, and in this lifetime its the most manipulated and exerted heed that you can convulse. In as much fray as it is to you, it also is an onus to your loved one.

Falling in love is solitary but staying in love is another contemplation.

Porcelain Vase

Things are never fair So as life that makes everything go round its base Perfection beyond compare Maybe equality has summoned down to existence Now I know cruelly at its finest, am a judge for everything I see and observe and never on my drift that I would fall into the same pit. 

Cliche huh? 

I should have realized but too little too late, falling is inevitable. Here I go again, when will I ever learn? I guess never! Sad! Am all scarred and barren but nothing ever comes to place. I’ve already tried contemplating events over events but still, not even a sense knocks me dead, pitiful mistake. I don’t wanna overanalyze things as they have happened and am sure it will always occur as recur yet desperation still envelopes me. Am I really that desperate? Yeah. I guess I am! But who would have suggested that the only people that would captivate his heart are monarchy and not low-lives! Am I such a junk only good for friends et.al?

I’ve already perfected the craft of friendship, been there, done that and a true blue friend I have become to all of my chums but I need more than that, friends gives a different smile and happiness but a lover in love is a factor I need most. Sigh! Well, things are never always on your side, now I realized you can control all things around you but if it would involve feelings and behaviors from a living cell, I doubt if I can surpass without a shrink’s advice. A friend once told me whatever makes me happy go! But how about if the party involve bluntly doesn’t want affection emanating from your end and worse LOVE. Am not the blame tame kind but am just very truthful of what I think and feel, is that wrong? hmmm, maybe yes! 

Judgemental and all that but creepy tale that every so often this hardly is a life that keeps on having a pattern of mistakes. Will I ever learn? When? Absolute me please! Am already tired, flexed and vexed but still am in the midst of emptiness. Bum me if you like. However on the other hand, maybe the problem is picking the individual? to have a life with? is that the case? I will be defying truth to myself if I will let illusion cloud everything I believe is right and would just nod and smile. 

God created me as a nuisance to people around me, which friends find me annoying in a good sense and kind of way. Practically I know what to do but just dumb to follow and hard-headed to digest truth. Hard as it may seem but am happy inside and out. What will I choose? Mind over heart? Heart over mind? Coz if luck would prevail who won’t be happy and eternally grateful, right? But as what they say “if there’s a will, there’s a way” yet in every aspect it would commence, the decision still not yours, but to the other half of the equation also.