Ang PEDANTIC at ang WILD

We partied together.
We boozed up, downed a couple cases. Laughed till we dropped and danced the night away, kissed and made love like its 2012! I am the wild side of the card. We do extreme things together. Decide on ostentatious matters, nada thinking of repercussions. I am the wild side of the equation.


The story goes this way:
Late afternoon then, with nothing to do. I fixated a plan that will free us both from deception and bondage. Me thinking wildly, suggested a very friendly tempt with the social lubricant, this is his chaos. Once he pops he doesn't stop. He becomes a butterfly, vibrant, wild and all out. My way of thinking still. A bottle down, nibbles here, there- then became three and four, loosening up a notch, restrictions gone, inhibitions out. We even held hands in front of everybody else. Crazy right? It was. Very crazy indeed.


His bejeweled embraced him.
Asked if he could stop drinking, had much and need to tone down. He is the pedantic side of the card. He hushed him, cuddled him and whispered sweet nothings to him. He is the pedantic side of the equation.


Seeing them together last night, made me realize. Where do I stand? Do I even have a stand to start things with? Funny how I still remember his words. Then, they were genuine and untarnished, now, just rhetoric and palaver! I fell for those words and same as a deadend- no worth in turning back there's no way out. I can dug myself out but it would take a lifetime. 


Torn in torment. Confused and fucked up. To fight or let go. What's next?

epitome

would fate play with you if you haven't allowed it to be in the courtyard?


Bugged and confused. 
How is it possible? You got stringed along. How can you be the antagonist? Would that be the mere fact that you let yourself be winded up? I am no conventionalist and I seldom care what others will say but the fact that my heart argues with my mind, something is off and really wrong in there. 


Destiny others will say, yet is it just that? Will you rely all your eternity to the so-called destiny and fate? Why do we even believe on such bedtime story? Yes a bedtime story. For me everything is given a chance by chance. You have to work things out with that given chance to make it work or worst come to worst-break it. Figuratively, its your temporal lobe that will decide which path to take and pursue. 


Chance- now thats a more feasible granule, compared to fate and destiny. Serendipitous? Well you can say that. Occurence and chances are a bit related and people tends to relate it with destiny after awhile, concluding several notions, assuming and then going with what they have pictured. Then viola- a fairytale! 


Cohesive right? Most of us does that in the hopes of having a happy-ever-after. Wrong! They don't come to reality most of the times! 


Being HAPPY. Isn't that what we should aim for? I know I am trampling over someone else's life. But you won't get to the top without stepping and bumping into others. The sheer fact that you bluster out of your comfort zone, some will get affected one way or the other. I am not redeeming myself from being wrong to righteous. I am just conjugating that every action has its alter ego- be it a good intent or a devilish malign.


In spite of all that hocus-pocus it would still boil down how you feel and your heart desires. Right now I will choose to be happy- it may be a wrong decision or it may be a right one. Who cares? 


I want to be happy. 

si buhay ko: komplikado

masaya ako sa tabi mo. lahat ng pagod at puyat wala sa piling mo. 
ngiti at halakhak mo, korni man sa pandinig minsan, musika naman sa puso at damdamin ko.
tanging hiling ko lang. na di ka magbago. ganito. simple. masaya. 

alam ko hirap ka. sa sitwasyon nating dalawa. ako man din walang magawa.
gusto kong ibuhos buong pagkatao ko. lahat ng pagmamahal na kaya ko, iaalay ko.
para sa'yo at sa magiging tayo. 


nabuhos man ng DIYOS lahat ng kamalasan sa relasyon na ito.
igagawa ko ng paraan, gamit ang gusto NIYA at sa paraan NIYA.
simple lang naman talaga ang nais ko. ikaw at ako. magkasama.
nagmamahalan ng walang halong lokohan at disgrasya.


komplikado pero masaya.
sa ganun yata talaga. di naman sa tayo ay nakiuso.
magulo na nakakatuwa.
ni wala nga sa hinagap ko. pangarapin pa kaya? 


mali. alam ko. at alam mo. gusto ko mang itama. nang dahil sa gusto mo. maturuan pa kayang makalimut ang pusong di naman talaga dapat na nagmahal ng todo? ilalaban ko  kung ano meron tayo. sana mapanindigan mo din ang salitang binitiwan mo.


mahal mo ako gaya ng nabibigay mo sa asawa mo.

city hall

parang bula
ganun ganun nalang
parang kabute
uusbong nalang bigla


funny how that qoute can excruciate what happened. if there is a whirlwind romance, I think this will be categorized as whirlwind fuck. it came and went by and then faded just like that. cold hard fact, the heat died down and the randy perished. as there were no feelings involved in the first place, the pragmatic thing to do is to let go.


feelings hurt, ego bruised and relationship marred, well what do you expect? matters of the heart are not to be trampled, played and manipulated. 


the issue now is what to do next? you can't drink a spilled milk no more, you can't even see a clear picture on a broken mirror. cliche to say "MOVE ON" or "FORGIVE and FORGET". duh! this is not a fairytale that all is well when it ends well. a crap and a bull! 


would I get even? good half of me says, "your choice to forgive and not to forget" but the bitch side of me wants to gang up and be drenched in blood! how morbid and apodictic right? 


sadly all good things comes to an end, the bus was just early on my part. should i be bitter? yell all hell and fuck up? i can do that definitely but i chose not to. i remember my friend again, a pessimistic beyotch "you are where you came from". me, the opposing optimist, battled "that's what you think! i guess not all and some are left still", boy did I eat my words in MEDIUM RARE. 


HONEST and TRUE- building blocks of a lasting and sanguine relationship, the only main form of how you should live your life too. i am no pharisaic but i will show you who i am-no pretentions, nothing ostentatious and grandiloquent, either deal with it or bear with it.  that's me!


wala nang matino
wala nang mas titino pa
lahat na lokohan
lahat na gaguhan

denied

bakit ako hirap na hirap?
na di naman dapat.
all I ever wanted was to be happy.
but why did this fell on my lap?


alam ko lahat dadating sa tamang panahon.
ibibigay niya ayon sa nararapat
yet things came by a breeze.
and was swept as well in a matter of seconds.


ang hirap tanggapin na lahat ng ibinigay mo
parang bula na lang na maglalaho
and what you have is still not worth
plus the denial makes everything worst


ayoko na, tama na!
ayoko na, itigil na!
I can't take it and bear it
I am already torn, miserable and hurting.


ano kaya ang mangyayari sa akin?
magiging ganito na lang ba lagi?
Everytime this and everytime the same?
Am I not gonna ever learn?

i love you's

It came as a shock.
Jaw dropping, eyes circling and not-uttering-a-word shock!
I never thought it would come from him at all.
Came to thoughts already about the situation I harbored.
Complicated, vainglorious and vindictive!
Falling in love was never really an option this time. It was a decision.


I kept my thoughts and feelings to myself.
It wasn't being non-chalant nor not caring at all.
I was just being careful, for me, for him and for everybody involved.
This wasn't a part of my plan.
I am happy as I am. Alone in a sense but not lonely.
You will seldom see me cry.


Then came one night. On a dream. He came to view infront of me.
I woke up crying. Was it a signus? No idea! But for me it wasn't a good sign. That marks a phase.
The falling in love. Point of no return. The make or break.
I don't know what to do anymore. Half of me wants to stop and let all go and half screams it's your one shot to love so hang on tight. Enjoy the joyride.


Would it be all worth it?
Is this happiness genuine at all?
What would entail after all this?
Who, When, How, What if?


If I try to answer them all, knocking Einstein would be my next puzzle piece.
Funny how I got tangled in this mesh.
I only asked God for a LOVE worth dying for. And he did. Next time I will always remember to be careful in wishing, because I always get it.