Maudlin Life

Vast opportunities were given to me but am just picky-peculiar of thrashing them all away. I have been a complaint-addict about things in life and those that are happening to me or better yet affecting me literally, but all I do is nod and let them pass by as a drift.

I have dreamt of a gleaming life, thoughts in clarion enough to suffice every wants and needs I could possibly think of. But to my dismay all are such in a diminutive aspect that it troubles with a slightest bit of Midas’s Touch, BAM! Disaster strucked!whew! I am already tired but who am I to congest the very reality, vividly flagged to my existence.

How I wish I am ingenue, flaired and spared of all the impurities that life brings, laughter and fun always there to comfort all the mood swings that triggers up most of the time! Vile huh? Sadly true! Not all things in life are perfected to craft all the event we expect them to turn out to be!

Earlier I was so happy of the feeling and thought that someone out there meant for me and met him actually in the flesh, as the fluttering girls would consider such turn-out as the man of their dreams. I did! But when you over-analyze things out, it vaguely shows a condescending maturity of the matter. Am really not sure or if ever I will believe on a spark like this really exist, or maybe it’s just one of those spur of moments you tend to cover-up all the negativity that sometime soon all will be a positive conjure to lifes possibilities.

Am I complicating a very simple thought? Things that are beyond my concern and knowledge but the fact that every film role that my life injects, blatantly makes up the big finale, flopping out of the blockbuster list.

I don’t have anyone to talk to but this pen on my hand and the sloppy notes infront of me. As I slowly drizzle the words to this monopoly, I mobbed a question, who can understand what I have inside, was it the things I said? Was it the gestures I gesticulated? Or the actuations I blurted out? Maybe his friend doesn’t like me, that would explain a great deal though, that was his best friend after all and you could count times they were together compared to me just hours or so.

Plaintiff gate crashing maybe is the word. Mind you it hurts knowing that you have hoped positively on the relationship that you are starting and investing and realizes all were just false pretenses and scam.

I wanna cry but I can’t, am donned with a heavy concealer to hide away the pain, but still it emanates through my very core. Mishap and misfits alike, I really thank GOD for this opportunity that HE bestowed, not every day that you’ll get to met a person apart from you liking him, vice versa entails out.

I know its always me, corrupting a clean slate of thoughts to a thrashy posse.

Porcelain Vase

Things are never fair So as life that makes everything go round its base Perfection beyond compare Maybe equality has summoned down to existence Now I know cruelly at its finest, am a judge for everything I see and observe and never on my drift that I would fall into the same pit. 

Cliche huh? 

I should have realized but too little too late, falling is inevitable. Here I go again, when will I ever learn? I guess never! Sad! Am all scarred and barren but nothing ever comes to place. I’ve already tried contemplating events over events but still, not even a sense knocks me dead, pitiful mistake. I don’t wanna overanalyze things as they have happened and am sure it will always occur as recur yet desperation still envelopes me. Am I really that desperate? Yeah. I guess I am! But who would have suggested that the only people that would captivate his heart are monarchy and not low-lives! Am I such a junk only good for friends et.al?

I’ve already perfected the craft of friendship, been there, done that and a true blue friend I have become to all of my chums but I need more than that, friends gives a different smile and happiness but a lover in love is a factor I need most. Sigh! Well, things are never always on your side, now I realized you can control all things around you but if it would involve feelings and behaviors from a living cell, I doubt if I can surpass without a shrink’s advice. A friend once told me whatever makes me happy go! But how about if the party involve bluntly doesn’t want affection emanating from your end and worse LOVE. Am not the blame tame kind but am just very truthful of what I think and feel, is that wrong? hmmm, maybe yes! 

Judgemental and all that but creepy tale that every so often this hardly is a life that keeps on having a pattern of mistakes. Will I ever learn? When? Absolute me please! Am already tired, flexed and vexed but still am in the midst of emptiness. Bum me if you like. However on the other hand, maybe the problem is picking the individual? to have a life with? is that the case? I will be defying truth to myself if I will let illusion cloud everything I believe is right and would just nod and smile. 

God created me as a nuisance to people around me, which friends find me annoying in a good sense and kind of way. Practically I know what to do but just dumb to follow and hard-headed to digest truth. Hard as it may seem but am happy inside and out. What will I choose? Mind over heart? Heart over mind? Coz if luck would prevail who won’t be happy and eternally grateful, right? But as what they say “if there’s a will, there’s a way” yet in every aspect it would commence, the decision still not yours, but to the other half of the equation also.

state of nugatory

hollow

idle

untenanted

desolate

barren

Patches of words that proliferates my being, right now, this minute at this instant.

Am happy but its meaningless
in a saddest phase at the same time whirred
on tenterhooks despite am freneticWhy?

Three-letter word that besets my thoughts, enthralls my worried mind and heave my world apart. I tried the search but in any way I can, it’s unfathomable! Even extol my efforts yet unopulent. I may not have a brilliant mind but I do use it once in a while, a friend once told me a head on your shoulder is not just a blueprint, either use it or exploit it, either way it’s healthy! But why? Have I set a standard unrealistic for my own purpose?

No biggie as they say, but in one way or the other, is affecting all your integral.

In as much that you covet it to be as a decision, the only catch is that you have two assortment: be happy or be otherwise. Life is not that complicated, just brimming with choices that are sometimes beyond our comprehension, though given yet incompassable at times. Behavior management says my Psychology prof, way over the years, it got me thinking and yes, it makes a lot of difference if you choose your insight wisely. If you’ll allow anxiety to get, bet your ass over it and will surely procure you naturally.

A friend once acquainted me it’s just a matter of emotional governance, as it dictates what you think, feel and do. Do you agree? I don’t quite acquiesce, for some people I think it would apply but on my case, no. It can affect but not totally decree on your ways of thinking, yet a lot of friends I know gets ruled by their emotions before sagacities that compels their better judgment. It transpires, that’s why GOD structured heart and mind on different level so as no intervention or dictatorship over-injunct the system those two are made to function for.

Funny thought just gainsaid; TO EACH HIS OWN, simple yet powerful, right? And so profound if I may add!

Got verdict? Wear your decision!