Membership / September 26, 2009

Does any of this ring a bell?

Guys4Men/planetRomeo              DowneLink               manjam           Jake
         Ohlalaguys          Lovetastic              Connexion          OutEverywhere                      DList                                                  BigJock                  bentLads          Gaydar                       

I know it clangors and don’t you cover your ears, yes you and before you scram, hold that feet for me please. It’s not an instigation, just acknowledgement! Never worry.

Yep! They are! Our network!

What? You think only straight people have social life? We are by nature God’s lovely elements, by that, I mean beautiful creatures! Any violet reactions? Yes, you read it right, violet! We also go by fuschia, velvet and rouge. Go sizzle!

For those whose foreign and in denial, these sites are social networking sites for men who love men. There, verified, cleared and explained. Most of us are hidden in the bookshelves due to some factors that only them can surmount.

Some of these sites are just booty calls and hedonistic as favorable as epicurean but others are genuine matchmakers. Promoting healthy lifestyles, safe sex, houses for rent, job listings as well as business opportunities that every gay man can topple and don’t ever forget World Peace. Queers are queens by heart, i’ll admit I am one. Are you not?

Accounts are divided in groups just like your usual email providers, premium and free. Premium members get to do a lot of stuff specially restricted ones, bigger mailboxes, VIP treatments and the usual invites to exclusive parties in the metro, golly! ! That is what they paid for, right? But though free accounts are confined. you could only do so much with these sites aside from the usual chat, email, poke and tag. Much of them now offers blogging and many integrated the use of shoutouts i.e. what you’re doing and what you’re feeling right now, go scream!

I guess the only disadvantage it proliferates is the mode of it, people tend to disregard the value of friendship and relationship since it is built on disposable “trust”, commitment is not a part of it anymore. The usual meet and greet, hi, hello and then finally goodbye. That’s it. Nothing really materializes but it really depends on the individual, that’s my take on it, and if you’re against it? Drop it!

Personally I find it helpful in more ways than one, you get to meet new people, befriend them and if they are so fiery hot, deliciously tempting and oozing with sex appeal, might end up in bed with them. LOL! 

Queer As Folk / August 6, 2009

I’ve been watching the series Queer as Folk-US version, as what I know there are other versions also, for over a month now, marathon every now and then, just reliving their glory days, catchy and steamy were most of the scenes, if you’ll ask me but it keeps me thinking what I have missed in all my younger years or did I have such? Well, I guess there was but I just let time pass by and bade me adiue. Enriching in a gay-kind-of-way but on a Filipino note, watching over it made me as ignorant as I can be everytime a scene gets flashed. It breaks and brings essence that in one way or the other, I very much can relate no matter how my viewpoints are conservatively provokes each role that the character portrays.

See Brian, as blatant as his personality is, his compassion as a true friend always emanates. It may not be as genuine as it can be but he always has a helping hand that you can trust and rely on. May it be small stuff or to the bizarre and odd ones. He is there, by your side no matter what happens. I like that!Michael has a distinct personality that I adore which is honesty, and nowadays is just so hard to concieve and achieve as nothing seems to be true at all, it’s like getting aspirin to cure cancer. How about that! Look at my instance, I have a sister, confused as she is as me, there are only 2 headcounts of us but as what i’ve said she never opens up. **** as she is, I love her with all my heart and support her as she does for me. Being true to yourself brings out the real you, no compromises and self doubt. The whole you. Packaged! Signed, sealed, delivered!

The intellectual Justine, love his wit, I wanna find someone like him, you can talk everytime and anytime with everything under the sun, fight over things but reflects maturity in some ways very hard to fathom nowadays since gay-men only thinks of one thing over the other which is clangoring SEX rather than knowing the worth of the person. Tough as it may seem you are always being judged of what you look like not what you think over things that matters.

Self-evaluative Ted, in which has given me a strong qoute to follow on serenity, courage and wisdom. I find it difficult to understand what happened to him, does it really come to a point in a man’s life that you will look for the things you never get to endulge and experience? Partly true on my end, peculiar though coz i’ve never been into those mischievous situations that compromisingly jeopardizes your whole self, been to some, but not that perilous.I’ll admit am learning the process am into right now, enjoying what am doing but really the emptiness and the nudge to find answers is still there. It has been years of me being the person I am but still can’t find myself, well I did, but somehow the clutter in me lost it again. Figuratively! True as they say, you need to find who you are to fully understand the things around you. I mean do you need to wait for it to happen or you need to find it for yourself? That am wondering!

Emett, love his character also. Famously known as “fuck them all” guy, doesn’t care what people think, a lovely friend and the ‘nelly” of the lot who wants himself to be. I love his nature. He can always brighten things up even in the doomest days of his life and knows when to fight back.Now in my recent ventures, I have come to acknowledge what I really am. A queer not a queen but I have come to realize the worth of true gay friends who always helps you out in trouble and despair. Erom, the ever loving friend who you can count in every gayness you could think of. Martin and Kat, bitches who always treats life as runway as their personality shines thru every glamor they exude. Mike, a friend, sort of not that kind of, did I just stammered? Well I like him but never reciprocates a thought or such, you could always wonder but he would never accrue a bit of what he is. And my ever true ally Phot, through thick and thin, buds for life, I really miss the days that we were so close and inseparable. Am just worried with the distance thats building up. I don’t want to overanalyze things but maybe it’s just me, haunted by my ghost, I know its my fault though, I keep on promising things am not able to keep. I miss him very much.

Well that’s about it, living a life away from you family makes you cling to people who jives with your nature and having friends close to you makes things worthy of it all.

Wondered if am stagnating, really nice to excruciate yourself out every now and then just like this, relieving to know that you can still construct a word or two. Am having the time of my life now and I have always believed in the karma cycle, I hope worst come to worst, I can still get up after hitting bottom. I know its not a good thought but am just prepping of what will come. Am still empty, is this part of maturity? Realizing all the things you should have and haven’t done?

Wreck, havoc and those sorts am unable to figure out.

Open-mindedOpen-minded

This I have currently known. Bisexuals nowadays have emerged from one cell to another. Mind you a lot have really changed, from demeanored faggots, to elite gays and then to simply queer. Maybe it has got to do with MSG(Monosodium glutamate), I am not spelling it out for you! What the heck is that! I really don’t know.

I asked a friend who “was” straight now turned “Open-minded”, the word itself made me think twice, why? Rumored to be the new bisexual natured feline, as in cat? Not literally! Is this a phase also other than being bisexual itself? That I haven’t known, been out of the circulation lately and am trying to cope up. But if this is one of those phase, what are the manifestations? The traits and the ways? Merriam really would have a very hard time defining every moment of spectacle a gayman’s life unravels. Every hour there is a new jargon and conversation being created. Well that’s who we are, we eat creativity for breakfast, bedazzlement for dinner and bewilderment for dessert, am skipping lunch as we are always on a diet, if you know what I mean.

But hey, the word itself is catchy, right? Simple, confined and definitely discreet. LOL! Of all the facets that we queers are prompted with. in life, I guess this is one way of showing the guise in all of us. We roam and joist yet you can never can tell of who we really are just with a glance. Maybe it’s with the angle or the defiance that each individual was turmoiled with but we can never validate. Nice to know after all adversaries, we live, dominate and fulfill a very happy and meaningful life. Can we consider it nuisance? I guess not, phasing I think most of us can relate to in life, and I mean most of us did walked thru that path, trying to know who we really are and getting to see the person inside you. Mulan is that you? nah, she have Shang and her duty is to her heart.

Pouring over what should be and what could be. Being constructive can get you somewhere where you want to be and having a destructive alignment will get you haywire. Judging another individual has been a way of life eversince way back World War 2, meticulous eyes and prying mouth are always the culprit of such, we can do nothing on it, it’s there, established and irrevocably existing. Well it’s life, spice that tangles taste buds.

Choice. I’ts your own. Live up to it.

You may be jammed down and crammed but if you know that you’re living your life, free from complexities and complacency, I guess it really won’t matter who dare defy your will. Open-minded or not.

You are who you are.

Shortcuts

Are they an escape or an access for fast and easy tracks?

A friend once said why not travel with all the bumps and burns rather than having not experienced them at all. Flaws and everything, it teaches you particular rules on life, achieving merits and failures along the way. I guess its true but not most of it, yeah I know bruises teaches wisdom and strength but the agony and the pain, are they worth it all? Personally, I can’t tell, how I wish I can.

Point taken but who would afford such obstruction when you can detour and have an easy access to ways that are meant to. Maybe its human instinct doing so. Me, myself can’t help it, living in a very competitive and complicated life such as mine, you need to find ways as greasy as it may seem just to get out of such situations. Growing up in a very different circa, makes you tougher and meaner compared to others who ravished the good side of life, thankful that I am but also confused of whether is it a good thing or a bad note.

I know its unsafe waters if you’ll ask me but I think its worth a try. On hand experiences don’t get offered every waking day of your life. So maybe i’ll get on with it. Tacky as it may seem, but am excited what things may happen during its course. Personally, am afraid but let’s see what will happen, at least I will have a few what-if’s  in the future if I would look back. Being here and now, taught me a lot of things, that I should and should have not done. Yet the lesser it is painful to those situations that you have felt the rush.

Like falling in love, whoever said it was this exciting and also excruciating back to back. Living the way it usually is, it stirs every limb of yours of everything possible. You tend to over analyze such simple things and thoughts.

Asking you, right now, are you willing to risk shortcuts and break-free or just let everything fall into place?

Circus / August 28, 2009

I figured, just last night, when I was dancing and all eyes are fixated on me. I love this song, its me, very me. The lyrics rang, it lingered, am not sure why but it really does. True what they said,  there are two types of people in this world, the entertainer and the observer, its your calling which one you do.

Ain’t it right that there are only two types of guys, the one that can festoon with you and the one that gets perturbed. I like the guy but am not sure if he feels the same way too. He moved away from me, literally away from me. So what I did you ask? You don’t have too, revenge is sweet, very sweet if savored on the spot. I know its not good but the whole time it was happening, I enjoyed my whole existence, it was surreal, maybe because I was out of the limelight that long that it made me want it more than ever I wanted it.

Liberating but short-lived. 

Intoxicating as it is, I was not granted to be out of the speckle even for once, there was no boundary but the commitment was there, the honesty, the truth of being in a relationship, it was happy and fulfilling and all that, glorious even in every word you can muster but as it stayed, longer and better and stronger, there came a point where you really just wandered and asked all the why’s, bewildered and astonished. You wanted to stay committed and work the relationship out but it’s already getting into your nerves, eating you out alive.

And just like that. Snap!

Am already beyond my years, do I need to wait for more to come? Besides, am tired of waiting and tired of wasting all my time. By myself, all on my own. How I wish I can be a magician just for a day or two just to make a difference or even just a glitch on my scrutinized life, am tired of doing everything right, am I allowed to do bad things and make mistakes? Just like others, just like that! I want to be blamed, be wrong, be judged and be mitigated just like that.

Whew! Exhilirating!

Pursuing Happy_ness / August 29, 2009

I should be. Right?

But true to the saying, people just don’t get contented of what they have, personally, yes am one of them. Crazy as it is, I should be but why am I still wanting more, am I that greedy? I doubt it! Am just a typical gay guy, making a difference out on my own. But why am I still empty?

I got my job back at my previous company, a year ago this was my agony and frustration, leaving a priced possession, letting it go, making the biggest mistake of my life. Yet now am back but why am I still not happy after getting what I wanted.

Sometimes I just want to stop the world from spinning, do nothing and even stop change from happening yet default as it is, I can’t. I want to stop thinking but things pushes me to think again. I envy people who just let things pass them by not even noticing that life already nudged them but not even noticing it. Such lucky ones.

It takes one to know one / July 9, 2009

Queer Life?


If you ask me it takes time, from the stages you’ll rummage yourself into, the labeling you will endure and the aggression and self destruction together with discovery would be rolled into one. Life should be savored and lived to the fullest that’s what I’ve heard and really should be embodied by everyone so was a line mentioned in a famous movie, things never happen the same way twice. So why waste and haste, go live and love and exhaust all your while. Styles fade so as beauty.
Experience really counts, some you’ll get to enjoy and some, well let’s just say, puts you into perspective. Bad, good, placid and sometimes redundant but all in all, it dents your soul in a very definitive way just like a thumbprint. Living easy is one of the assumptions of being gay, not that true if you’ll ask me, yes there are times we live up to our name and label but sometimes hollow existence trails its way. We are a happy bundle yet in most ways than one can truly appreciate, we feel what you feel and gets hurt when credited for.

The Life, personal you’ll ask? Nope, it’s not!

Personally, am one of those “planner” type of people, you can’t begot and blame me for being OC, a disorder, yes it truly is, but am thankful for that trait, I may not have the life that I wanted but I do have the life one can look forward to having and living on it. It may sound convulsive but I am what I am. Hardly, the person before me loved the way I lived my life, I was on the notion that happy people have these and that but I came to think, it really not is, you may have the things that you want but truth is you may also not get the needed stuff. Lonely, huh? True!

One day, I came across of an old, old quote. “Cross the bridge when you get there”. I never really put my mind into it as it was plain, old and boring. Yet when you read between the lines, it will make you ponder and seize what really matters. Dorky and, yeah go on, mock me, but am amazed how this simplicity defined me right now. As I mentioned am a planner-kind-of-a-nutcase so all my actions are enumerated, calculated and well executed. Whatever happens, a backup is always handy. Well partly, goes haywire but nonetheless imperfections are not an option. Then a friend told me, things happen for a reason, it may not be the target but being spontaneous and congenial makes a person who he is. Thinking from one’s feet is one of the things that I never get to enhance. Given a chance to go back in time, it’s one of the few that I will work on.

Love Life

Could we drop this and move on? As it is one of the very sensitive topics and needs further elaboration. Rules don’t apply on this situation. Love combusts every hour, every minute and every second. Hostile waters! This is the part of life where thinking and feeling meets the crossroads every once in a while. Some say love should be just felt and never taken into the head but some defies it. At first I really thought of it as the easiest part of life, you dreamt and hoped for a person that would sweep you from your feet but alas! It’s just a bedtime story after all. I have written a few sediments on this eloquent topic, when love was there and embraced me on its cradle. Downfall of it? When both parties consumed the paragon of the feelings, not that am against the nature of the spark but once the concoction goes bland, no other remorse but to dissolve the binge. It will never go deeper even if you work on the paddles manually.
I told you this is one of the most convoluting cycles of my life. I am bitter. Why? It leaves you with no choice. Am so tired of all the bruises that clusters you after a break up. In the midst, I was oh so hoping that it would be a different set of tribulations by the next phase, yet it repeats itself. Maybe I don’t have a kismet on LOVE, thankfully speaking; God gave me intricacies that I am proud of, ahem! Very proud of but that doesn’t compensate the looser in me when the love game starts. Should I bid farewell to what seems the greatest obstacle of my life? Or should I strive and fight for more, getting more anguish and frustrations along the way. I am already blistered. Can I take more? A mentor once exclaimed, Pain is temporary, Quitting is forever! True, in every sense of the word and I believed on it. For as long as you endure the hardships, the more stronger and wiser you become. In the totality of life, yes but in a most resounding way that love has taken its toll on me. I just want to let go of the chain, as there is no hope in me already.

I’m very tired, really tired in every sense of the word.