How?
Gut feel?
I can’t, feels like something is restricting what I want and need to do. All of these ideas, hope I can put them to good use and make money out of it. They just swing out of nowhere and poof, gone! Not even saying goodbye and creeps the hell out of me. Maybe there is still something out there for me, I can feel it but am too hopeless to try and make it out. I want to be somebody but why does it feels like you’re being pulled out from where you are standing, they say positive thinking follows an act yet in so many ways am trying to, it doesn’t seem to fall into my grasp. I want to believe in my abilities, others, believe in it and tried it but why not me? Am I incapacitated? Am I not enough? What do I need to do to boost my confidence, what I really thought is, am there to that level of being what I can be but in the midst of fear I sulk and mitigate my own self and dropping myself into this pit of nonsense. Here I am again. Not knowing what to do, I hope my sibling is here to talk to, just a talk, a simple talk that is, I miss her. Really miss her.
I feel like am choking and I have nowhere to go. Suffocating and realizing what a fool am trying, to figure out things, to ponder and evaluate things out but seems like nothing is coming through. It might sound assuring, the looks and the aura but don’t let that fool you. I planned to soar high. Not even lifting myself from the ground, I already calculated risk. Is that fair and just? Other said try to cross the bridge when you get there. On the other hand if the bridge is not made of sturdy material, what do I need to bring, what do I need to do, what are the consequences that I will take before that crossing? I know, paranoid am I, huh? Why, why, why, why? Do I really need to be like this? Jumping to conclusion, elaborating a well laid plan and executing them at the right time and place. I get bored when all I see is simple, I get bored not thinking and complicating things out. What in the world do I need to do? I promised myself that I will change this but lo and behold am stuck again with the same ways and even cunning to my very own self, I cheat. I make myself believe. A friend told me not to think twice. Don’t stick with the plan. Let things happen in their own pace. Breathe. Relax. I can’t. Again why? Why is it so hard for me to let go? I can’t believe that on my reaping years, yes I am 27, I am still a stuck up. A nobody. A joke. But a beautiful joke that is. I am tired. Why can’t it be? Why can’t I be like others?
I remember once this interview I had, I thought I had it, in the bag, plan fully laiden, well executed and articulated. Bingo! Result came, not even the tenth of the list had I made it. Ouch! It hurt, crazy, like hell hath no fury. So I let go, by that I mean 3 months tops. I recovered. Hence another opportunity came, made some calls and got one. I planned to let go, let loose, not thinking about it, letting it fly. The other time it failed, I made things platonic and scripted, in short well-rehearsed. This time, extemporaneous and out of the box. Boom! Same thing! Now what did I do? In both ways I failed. How? What should I do? And you know what, the sad part is, you really felt that it was yours and by the very end of it, it fell out of reach. Why? Never have I imagined how powerful “why” is up until now.
I know I can but why?
Help please.
p.s.
I am just beside you, asking again, WHY? And again, WHY? (end credits till fade, soft piano is heard.)
No comments:
Post a Comment