I think of falling in love

Is there such a thought?

Me on my part, I guess yes. Thinking of the pros and cons makes me wonder. The what-if’s and the maybe’s, you can’t blame me, am a Leo for crying out loud. I make things complicated than they already are and over-analysis is my thrust and I propel o’er it.

Have I declared defeat and submission? I really don’t know. I wanna ask but it detriments me from doing so. He’s very towering, physically and emotionally, stable in means of everything. I maybe just one of the bumps he collides with in his lifetime journey. But I guess one thing that I can be more thankful of is the respect and the knowledge that he shares with me. Condescendingly, is there a possibility? Sure thing there are two sides of the equation but would I like the answers on both? Relatively I can only hope and dream. He lives by the saying “Together nothing is impossible”, hopeless romantic? In what is vibed, he is more stable than what you think he is.

Here I go again. Puzzled, bugged and adamant. I’ve been here before, I know the outcome, would I still risk the milestones? My friend tells me, yes, as it is worth your while and a merit trying for but personally I don’t wanna cry anymore, been there, done that and it really is painful. Journeys are about learning and having fun and making the most out of it. I wanna juggle with it, roll with it but my mind is hesitant and constraint about the fact. My heart says green for the intersection but my mind declares red. I am gay and fickle-minded, redundant I suppose huh? But what will I do? I don’t wanna think no more as it ruins every moment.

I wanna live life as it springs but I don’t wanna loose sight of the future, all of which are on my very own hands. The only problem is which one goes first? Left or to the right? Transverse as it is, as complicated as it is the fact that I’m aging and nothing is happening what I expected for it to ravel, should I let go and embrace the clangor? Very torn and messed up by faulty decisions in my lifetime but isn’t it what life is all about learning and improving? Should I rummage more thoughts, apply what-if’s, be the connoisseur of questions unanswered and just sit and mock? I really don’t know! I am tired! If this is just one of those phase that you get to telltale, why not? It’s worth a jitter but am not prepared to fall and get hurt again! My mind says no but my hearts says go!

What will I do?

I wanna let loose and let hesitations adrift yet half of me syllabicates disaster with a capital D in it, am afraid to face the winds but something whirls deep inside me and spells FUN in big, black and bold. Should I gamble? Or should I partition myself first? How? And is it possible? Am parking my pen but I still have hundredfold of questions hurling around my skull, thinking aches! I hate it!